IT'S COME TO THIS

So I was on the phone with Heather tonight. Turns out we were both having a sucky night and just so there’s no confusion here, I’m understating that greatly – giving you the PG version of some NC-17 realities. Our conversation may or may not have included some words like, “Seriously, God?!” and “Really???? Is this the way it has to go?” and “I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.” and possibly a few other darkish thoughts.

As for me, I am back to just trying to get through 10 minutes and then the next 10 minutes. Reeling and railing against what is true and how much is so unfair and so unbelievable.

But there is this shift, and I was venting to Heather about how I can’t seem to decipher exactly what I’m feeling. It’s still the sadness and disbelief, yes, but there is more and more of…. that edge. Is it anger? It might be. Or is this just a new wave of sadness? Both? What the heck I can’t tell. And how the $!*# do I take care of myself when I don’t even know what is coming at me?

Ugh. We both sighed.

So you’re at Target, Heather said.

Yeah.

Sitting in a lawn chair.

And that’s when it hit me.

It’s Friday night and I’m sitting on a stack of black reclining lawn chairs (with my feet up) in the yard and garden section of Target.

R-boy is scouring the toy aisles and R-girl is shopping for shoes. And I’m in an artificial patio.

Yep. It’s that bad.

(sigh)

Well, after hanging up with Heather, I did the only logical thing a girl can do at that point to regain at least a scrap of pride. I rounded up R-boy and headed straight to the shoe section to find R-girl – and to try on the highest heel I could find.

It was great. I could see right over the top of the shoe shelves. The air was a bit clearer up there. I glanced over at a woman who was now at least a foot shorter than me and I stood up even a bit taller. I tore off the white elastic strap holding the shoes together (gasp!) and strutted right over to the men’s section across the aisle to find a mirror.

R-kids just stared.

I don’t think you need those shoes, mom, R-boy said.

Maybe not for keeps, R-boy, maybe not. But I sure did need that tonight.