GRIEF

not going away | the both and | shorts and longs | julie rybarczykI see myself as a fairly capable person.

I have – for some reason – been blessed with an income, a home, food, clothes, and a pretty darn good life.

I have resources. Doctors, therapists, knowledge, friends, family, faith – support from every angle.

And still, most days lately have me wondering if I can possibly make it through this thing called grief without finding some way – any way – to numb it.

Spending?

Eating?

Drinking?

Sleeping?

Preaching, fixing, meddling, controlling, something…?

Or, maybe just ignoring, which is the tactic I’ve used quite professionally in the past.

For some reason, this time – so far – I have found a way to stay in this. I can’t completely remember why I’m bothering…other than a sense I have that grief is grief and it must be faced, one way or another. I have this hunch that if I dam it up, it will only come back to pummel me in some other way down the road.

Like maybe as an illness I’ll have to spend years recovering from (hello, been there, still recovering from that).

Or as an inability to feel.

Or, worse, as some painfully distorted view of life that I will pass on to my children. And then they will have to do the grieving that I should have done.

Who am I to say that this hunch is correct? I’m just going off what I’ve witnessed, and what I’ve experienced.

But I will humbly admit, I never realized that actually doing grief would be so hard.

I had lots of big theories about how important and noble grief is. Before I was in it.

Now I just want to tell myself to shut up.

Instead, I guess I’ll just keep doing it: riding the waves, feeling the feelings, staying honest about my reality, while still living, loving, breathing, sometimes laughing, and trying to hope. And – somehow, eventually, hopefully – healing.not forever | the both and | shorts and longs | julie rybarczykby julie rybarczyk

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